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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The opinions expressed in this post do not reflect those of the management...

Tonight, I am meditating on vengeance.

No, no - not to worry! I have not been grievously wronged. Nor am I *plotting* revenge - I'm just meditating on it. See, I'm doing some cleaning (what else would I be doing when I've got reading to do and a proposal to work on?), and I came across the pages I saved from last year's desk calendar, the 2009 version of this:

I'm usually more of a Word-a-Day girl, but when I went to get a calendar (after they were all on clearance, of course), this was the only one left that I as willing to pay for. The rest were full of puppies and flowers and inspirational verses--BLECCHHH!

Anyway, I spent many a pleasant lunch break/procrastination hour at work, chuckling to myself at the better quotes and schemes from the calendar. An example of the "workplace revenge" genre:

"Leave your target's nearest copier set to print 99 copies at 33% resolution on 8x14-inch paper."

Can't you just see the look on the office asshole's face?

Or, how about this gem, one of my favorites:

"Pour powdered gelatin down your target's toilet. It takes a few days to fully solidify, but then gums up the whole system."

Tell me that's not fantastic on a really warped level. I mean, the mental image alone! You'd obviously have to use pure gelatin (no coloring) for maximum effect...

Of course, I would never that to anyone. Because that would be terrible. And because now it's on this page, and could totally be traced back to me. JUST KIDDING! I would never do that to someone because it is wrong, and a little bit crazy. If I ever really feel the need to take revenge on someone, I will not bother with being a little crazy. JUST KIDDING, AGAIN.  

(Well, mostly.)
Anyway, here's a game for you, should you choose to play. Match the revenge-themed quote to its source. Some are real people, some are fictional characters (in the latter case you'll pick the film). The fictional characters are really easy, the real ones just a little bit less so.

The quotes:
  • Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
  • To choose one's victims, to prepare one's plan minutely, to slake an implacable vengeance, and then to go to bed...there is nothing sweeter in the world.
  • My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emporor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have vengeance, in this life or the next.
  • Revenge is better than Christmas.
  • I am Jack's wasted life. I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection. I am Jack's cold Sweat. I am Jack's broken heart. I am Jack's smirking revenge.
  • Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
  • Retaliation is related to nature and instinct, not to law. Law, by definition, cannot obey the same rules as nature.
  • Dangerous is wrath concealed. Hatred proclaimed doth lose its chance of wreaking vengeance.

The sources
  • The Princess Bride
  • Alfred Hitchcock
  • Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
  • Josef Stalin
  • Gladiator
  • Albert Camus
  • Fight Club 
  • Seneca

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