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Saturday, March 23, 2013

Fug Madness, Round 1, part 2

Anne Hathaway (3) vs. Beyoncé (14)
Ok, Beyoncé wore this, but Anne Hathaway spent the biggest award season of her career (so far), one in which she was *obviously* going to win an Oscar -- looking so wretched that I can only express it in song.

I dreamed a dream of time gone by,
when fug was high and clothes ill-fitting.
I dreamed that this dress hurt my eyes
and that this one can't be forgiven...

You see where I'm going with this. I voted for Anne.

Kat Graham (2) vs. Amanda Peet (15)

Morena Baccarin (7) vs. Zosia Mamet (10)
Recently, on FB, AH posted that his "brain hard rebooted" when he read something. I'm going to steal that phrase to describe what my brain did when I saw this outfit. I think this one was more that moment when you boot up a Mac and, instead of the smiley face, you get a blinking question mark folder. Morena Baccarin brought the fug, but nothing that made me check the warranty on my brain.

Chloe Sevigny (6) vs. Lily Cole (11)
Wow. This one was really tough. I went with Sevigny -- Cole was a fugworthy opponent, but Sevigny brought the madness.

Justin Bieber (1) vs. Christina Ricci (16)
Fug try, Ricci, but The Bieb is in it to win it.

Lady Gaga (4) vs. Mamie Gummer (13)
I wanted to throw some Fug Love behind Mamie Gummer, because she seems to be totally serious about wearing things like this. But I laughed out loud at this, and there went my vote. Oh, Gaga. I don't know if the evil goat or this TSA t&a will give me worse nightmares.

Miley Cyrus (5) vs. Emma Watson (12)
Hermioine would not approve, but I had to go with Miley, because this is a snake away from being a way-too-short Dark Mark romper.

Julianne Moore (8) vs. Hailee Steinfield (9)
I've given up hope for Julianne Moore, but Hailee Steinfeld? Why, fashion gods? WHY?!

Heidi Klum (2) vs. Jessica White (15)
Um, JessicaHeidi? What good is being a model, if THIS is what you do with it?! I've voting for Jessica, because WTF?

Diane Kruger (7) vs. Kerry Washington (10)
Seriously? I'm pretty sure these women are both just fucking with us. Diane Kruger and Pacey Joshua Jackson dream up the worst of the worst, then sit around and laugh about how everyone Tried to keep a straight face. And Kerry WashingtonNo. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I voted for Kerry Washington, because I went to Google and had to work too hard to find pictures of her looking right. I'm pretty sure Kruger will take it, though, because this.

Jessica Biel (3) vs. Rashida Jones (14)
Why can't Rashida Jones wear clothes that fit? I mean, she is cute, and must have a TON of money -- she could have everything tailored, if she needed to. I don't get it. And then there's the part where this made me go cross-eyed. And I find everything about Jessica Biel uninteresting, so I voted for Rashida.

Christina Hendricks (6) vs. Amanda Seyfried (11)
No filtering on this one -- these were my actual responses to the accompanying photos:

My vote went to Hendricks, because she is such a habitual offender.

Kristen Stewart (1) vs. Michelle Dockery (16)
Good lord -- I thought the 20s costumes were bad on Lady Mary, but this dress is WAY worse, and it's not even a costume. But it's nothing compared to what Kristen Stewart is wearing. These outfits are so hideous -- HIDEOUS! --that they distracted me from the fact that HER MOUTH IS ACTUALLY CLOSED!

I'm pulling for KStew. Here's hoping that girl makes better choices all around in the coming Fug year.

Ke$ha (4) vs. Ashley Benson (13)
Meh. I find Ke$ha's lack of pants more desperate and tiresome than Fug, and Ashley Benson seems about as boring as Jessica Biel. I voted for Benson, because that's what was closest to the cursor when I scrolled down.

Jessica Chastain (5) vs. Gwen Stefani (12)
Jessica (the Fug Girl, not the fugtestant) wrote: I CANNOT WITH THIS DRESS. Neither can I, but I even more cannot with this. No, really -- I can't even tell for sure what it is. Game: Stefani.

Eva Longoria (8) vs. Crista B. Allen (9)
Eva Longoria came out swinging, but Crista B. Allen swung back, using her capey thing to distract her opponent. Then she finished it off with something disorienting, and suspiciously like semi-leather formal shorts. I have no idea who she is, but Allen gets the vote.

So long to Round One. I expect some epic matchups in the Cher bracket next round.


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