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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Herman Cain: Obviously Only *Mostly* Crazy

On Facebook, CM linked to this article about Herman Cain's "Encouragement for Herman Cain" and "Women for Herman Cain" sections on his official website. The article is from yesterday, before Cain officially announced that he was dropping out of the presidential race. She wondered what I'd write, and I was thinking about it this morning, just before reading that he'd made his withdrawal official. So, on this joyous occasion, here's my letter of support to Herman Cain:

Dear Herman -- I can call you Herman, can't I? It's just that I feel like I've gotten to know so much about you in the last few months that anything more formal seems weird...

So, dear Herman. Dear, dear Herman. I just want you to know that I'm really excited for you right now. I know that might seem a little weird, but hear me out. Yes, you're dropping out of the race due to various accusations of sexual impropriety. Yes, you're an embarrassment. Of course you had to be doing *something* wrong to have this many women come forward with harassment charges. And, no, there's no way you were ever going to win, anyway. But here's the good news. Withdrawing -- and on a Saturday, no less? Presumably in the hopes that you could slink off before anyone noticed? Herman, dear, this the sanest thing I've heard out of you in...well, ever. It gives me reason to hope that you are not, in fact, absolutely batshit. That you can use what little sense God gave you when it really comes down to it.

Now, don't get me wrong -- I still think you're a nutjob. And a creep. And wrong about pretty much everything political. But at least now I can see that you're not totally delusional. So, well done, Herman. I fully support your finally acting like you got some sense.

Let me also just take this opportunity to say that I don't care what people say: as embarrassing as this whole 13-year-"friendship" thing must be to you (not to mention to Gloria), it's really a good thing! It's an indiscretion, but it's the first of your indiscretions we've heard about in which the other participant was willing! So, again, well done -- way to go for extending your "friendship" to someone who was actually interested!

Well, I guess that's about it. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I really think this has turned out well for everyone involved. Well, except probably Gloria, but you haven't been looking out for her best interests in at least 13 years, so it's a little late for that.

Anyway, thanks for the laughs, Herman. It's been real. Real embarrassing, really infuriating, and a real reminder of what bad shape we're in as a country when people rally behind someone so uninformed, so proudly ignorant, so disrespectful of women. So long, Herman.

Best of luck
Best wishes
Best regards

Give my regards to Gloria,

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